THE JESUS MODEL OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Matthew 18:15-22

In Ephesians 4, Paul is focused on the problems that divide and weaken the church. He wrote:

“We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming.  But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.

Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 14-15, 31-32)

If anything can sicken, weaken and tear apart a church, it’s the toxin of unresolved conflicts and unforgiveness.

Paul urges us to “speak the truth in love,” in Christ’s love, but what does that look like, and how do we put that into practice. That’s what we’re going to learn in today’s message, “The Jesus Model of Conflict Resolution.”

Who likes conflict? I know I don’t. Growing up, my little sister and I didn’t have very good role models for handling differences. My mom had a "peace at any price" philosophy. Don’t talk about it, deny the hurt feelings, avoid actually working it out. Needless to say, my sister and I carried a lot of anger and hurt feelings into adulthood that poisoned our relationship with each other and resulted in years of estrangement.

That’s what can happen in a church when we don’t learn how to speak the truth in love to one another and work out our difference in a healthy and loving ways.

The grace we find in speaking the truth in love is reconciliation of relationships, transformation of lives, and a stronger, healthier church. It is motivated by the love of Christ for one another and in a spirit of humility. John Wesley taught that speaking the truth in love should always begin with these words, “Brother/sister, may I speak my heart to you?”

Because most of us would rather bury the hurt rather than confront people, in Matthew 18-22, Jesus gives us a model in which we can apply speaking the truth in love. There are four steps (from The Message):

Step 1. “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.” Speak to that person yourself. Don’t try to recruit another person to do it yourself. That’s called triangulation, and it will only make matters worse.

Step 2. “If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again.” Think of this as bringing in a mediator, someone who will be a neutral party. Without that neutrality, the person feels like we’re ganging up on him/her.

Step 3. “If he still won’t listen, tell the church.” No, this doesn’t mean you stand up in the middle of worship and denounce the person or form some sort of tribunal. Sometimes, the greater collected wisdom and experience of more people is needed to help the two people involved to find a resolution to their differences.

Step 4. Before I go any further, I believe people have used this verse to shun people. We have to remember that this is Jesus speaking to us, and Jesus is all about grace – unconditional love and forgiveness.

“If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance and offer again God’s forgiving love.”

So, instead of giving up on that person and cutting them out of our life and the life of the church, we continue to speak the truth in love, pray for the, and most importantly offering them God’s forgiving love through our own act of forgiving them, over and over and over again.

The reality is that not every person is ready to confess their faults and ask us to forgive them. Many times, I’ve had to forgive people, for my own health and spiritual well-being.

When we refuse to forgive someone, it doesn’t hurt them, it hurts us! Unforgiveness keeps us trapped in our anger and hurt which gives control over our lives to that person. We forgive because it frees us to be the people God created us to be.

It’s not easy, I know. If I’m not able to forgive someone, that’s when I lean on Christ for that power, and I will forgive that person in Jesus’ name until Christ’s healing love has empowered me to do that on my own.

God loves us and the body of Christ to allow us to remain in a broken state of unforgiveness and unresolved conflict. He knows that we will find our greatest blessing and joy as God’s people when we learn to speak the truth in love, work out our differences in love, and in all things, love another as Christ has loved us.

Are there old hurts that have been festering in our hearts? Are there issues that need to be dealt with so the healing can start? Have we been dragged down by the chains of unforgiveness long enough?  What is God calling you to do about it.